How to Torture Your Neighbors (and Blacklight!): The Duran Duran Edition

Take a day of from work due to a snow/ice storm and person of the female persuasion born circa 1972. Add YouTube. Add iTunes.  Add New Wave.  Shake up and put on Mr Couch with Mr Blankie for several hours.

Sounds fun right? That scream? Oh, that’s Blacklight slamming the bedroom door and muttering some about needing sleep and the brats next door and Duran Duran is totally gay and real music is Skinny Puppy…you know, typical Blacklight stuff. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Crawl out of bed from late night of watching Duran Duran and Arcadia videos for almost 3 hours straight. Hum “Election Day” and “Union of the Snake” in the shower. Skip to the living room windows to check weather. Give self props for taking day off from work. Scamper into kitchen to make chili (HomeCanMade Chili is awesome!). Curl up on Mr Couch with Mr Laptop and Mr Blankie while HomeCanMade chili (what else should you call a chili made by browning ground turkey and dumping it into a pot with chili mix packet and several cans of stuff from kitchen cupboards?) simmers for a few hours.

TV is boring. Hate talk shows and morning shows. Go to YouTube. Intend to watch full series one of The Brittas Empire because Chris Barrie is adorable and young and so very Arnold J Rimmer in a dark suit. Besides if you wait to watch The Brittas Empire when Blacklight is awake you’ll have to shoo him from the room and go into bedroom to watch. But instead of  “the brittas empire chris barrie is a babe” type in ‘duran duran hold back the rain” (because it’s freezing rain out there right?).

Watch video, sing along even though it’s not the the version on your ancient bought from a flea market in the early 80s RIO cassette. Hunt until you find the version you fell asleep listening to with giant the size of your head earphones on while the cassette autoflipped from side 1 to side 2 all night long (because this was the 1980s and there weren’t CDs or iPods then…you are OLD). Sing along loudly especially the “Andy, please please please help me hold back the rain” bit. Play again.

Type in “duran duran my own way” and listen to split seconds of each version until you find the slower tempo version you remember, sing along. Get up to stir chili on stove singing “I can find my own way” because if you can’t find your own way to the kitchen ten feet from the loving arms of Mr Couch you have more problems than chipping the cars out of the snow and ice.

Go to iTunes to see how much buying RIO would be. See the remastered versions. Debate buying RIO or the first Joshi Lovecraft biography. Wonder if your re-leased version of RIO on CD is in the depths of Blacklight’s lair with the other CDs and remember that all the bits you really like are snip snipped from the CD re-release. Watch videos from all songs from RIO.

Lather, rinse, repeat with Seven and The Ragged Tiger. Roger Taylor is a total babe. Wonder how many issues re bondage and domination video director had. Stare at the hotness of Roger Taylor. Re-watch Rio video and giggle over Nick Rhodes makeup and how damn fine Simon and Roger are.

Decide must GET THINGS DONE! Try to a) eat bowl of chili b) write book reviews for Book Slut Gwen c) watch 1990s Duran Duran videos and d) sing all at same time. Almost wear chili. Finish chili, switch to somber songs from Medazzaland. Write three book reviews and wonder why have trouble with certain bands/singers post 1997 output. Was 1997 pinnacle of Duran Duran (Medazzaland), U2 (Pop) and David Bowie’s (Earthling) power over your CD player and wallet? Decide to skip certain ultra popular Duran Duran songs because listened to Duran Duran’s 1998 Greatest to try and work through very bad time once upon a time and don’t want to get depressed. Depression is too easy. Depression lies on the couch and doesn’t move. You must move…you must…

Replay 12 inch re-mix of Hold Back the Rain and jump up and down on Mr Couch until bad/sad thoughts go away…collapse on Mr Couch, think about eating more chili (this time with lashings of sour cream) and promise self if CLEAN ALL THINGS maybe…maybe purchasing remastered RIO from iTunes is a fine idea…

 

Snow Day!

Did you survive Snowpocalypse 2011? Did you make snowmen? Or spend the day digging out your driveway and sidewalks? Or did you do what I did and curl up on Mr Couch with Mr  Laptop and take full advantage of your Netflix account?

7:00 am Eddie Izzard: Glorious. Eddie at his peak. Man the snow is coming down hard. Get bored by Eddie (how did that happen?) and then…

8:00 am Bender’s Big Score. Sniff, sniff, sniff for information, lovely information, sniff, sniff, sniff. Bye-Bye universe.

10:00am Ball of Fire. Gary Cooper is a beyond hot English professor working on an encyclopedia’s slang entry. Barbara Stanwyck is a sassy burlesque performer. And I fall asleep watching Gary Cooper?!?!?! HOW?!?!?!? Wake up for the last few minutes and then…

11:45am-1:30 pm Lovecraft-o-rama! Bryan Moore’s Cool Air (total giggle fest) and then Stuart Gordon’s Dreams in the Witch House (cute lead by no Barbara Crampton? What gives?). Add things like Dagon and In the Mouth of Madness to Netflix queue.

1:30pm try watching Penny Serenade. Give up because remember end is sad but happy but sad. Wonder why Netflix thinks I want to watch things like Disney movies. Do they have Lovecraftian beasties because if so, hells bells yeah!

1:45 pm Netflix has suggested Julie & Julia. Yes, it is a rather girly choice but I have read both Julie Powell’s books (although the last 50 pages of Cleaving was torture) and I do adore Julia Child and read any biography about her. Amy Adams isn’t the Julie in my head (think more hipster). Realize snow has stopped and maintenance is plowing parking lot. This might be a good time to scrape off the cars. Pause movie without too many regrets because is getting very twee in the Julie bits and the Julia bits aren’t long enough for me. Pull on roughly 27 million layers of clothes including very sexy if you’re into fishermen Wellingtons and trudge outside with broom and scrapers.

Have to brush snow off Blacklight’s license plate to make it’s his car and not a neighbor’s because there are several mid-size silver sedans at our complex. The car is Blacklight’s so welding broom and scrapers begin to dig. Think “hey this isn’t too bad” even when snow-blower cleaning paths between parked cars gets me right in the face. Trudge off to find and clean my own car.

Where I parked my Honda is now very large vaguely Honda spaced block of snow that looks like Styrofoam.  And is about as easy to hack through. The only reason Blacklight’s car was a breeze? He was smart and parked along the hill where there was protection and a good wind to blow off the snow. My poor car was parked facing the road with only a tree or two to block the worst snow. Curse self for not making Tuesday night trip to Target earlier because earlier trip would have meant better parking spot. Manage to get Honda cleaned off and moved to a better parking space with only three fishtails.

Trudge back into apartment building looking like a Yeti’s very short and cranky cousin. Pull off layers of clothes and spread over chair and ironing board to dry. Change into dry socks and curl back up on Mr Couch. Hit play on paused Julie & Julia and cue Blacklight stumbling out of bedroom. Pause movie again as Blacklight flops on Mr Couch and turns on tv. Realize may never get around to finishing movie because Amy Adams really bugs and even Meryl Streep’s awesome might not be able to overcome the bug-age. Turn off Mr Laptop and decide if will ever iron work clothes before going back to work on Thursday…

Give Until It Hurts!

Right now I’m on Mr Couch watching it snow so hard that I can barely see the basketball court at the park  or the parked cars. It’s Snowpocalypse 2011, y’all! Some lucky gal (me) gets to (me) dig out (me) TWO cars once this heavy snow (me) lets up. Blacklight is all set for being snowed in. According to him , “I have beer, I have wraps, I have sausage, I have eggs and I have cookies…hey where did these Hershey Kisses come from?” <holds up bag of the blessed Hershey Kisses while I leap up from the couch and snatch them away>. Now notice something our dear little coffee junkie missed in his litany of essentials….Dunkee Cup coffee! Well don’t worry, I’m not going to deal with a jonesing Blacklight this afternoon because he has coffee…a whole lovely fresh bag of Dunkee Cup’s finest original flavor thanks to a little something called the American Red Cross…

There are certain things I do at work besides the exact thing that Company X hired me for. I drink my own body weight in Lady Grey tea and bottles of water. I listen to Mr iPod and giggle my way through Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me and Pop Culture Happy Hour podcasts. I eat Hershey Kisses. And I give blood.

I can’t stand needles or bandaids or the awful yellow sterilizing goop they smear on your arm. But I give blood. I send goofy emails to my unit saying the best thing about giving blood is the free cookies and juice. Come on, mini packs of proper name brand Oreos! And I give blood. I pull the band aid off  way too soon totally against the post donation instruction sheet, end up with a huge black and blue mark that takes 2 weeks to fade. And I give blood. When the posters for the next blood drive go up, I’ll be at the American Red Cross site, trying to remember my donor password (SWORDFISH? LOVECRAFT? ILIKEKITTYCATZ? STARBUX?).

Yesterday’s blood drive was a little bit different. And not just because they had mini cans of cranberry juice galore. It was combination of the impeding Snowpocalypse 2011 (would it actually come? when? how much? how long?) and volunteering to escort blood donors from the donation van back into the office. It’s one thing to toddle downstairs, sign in, go to the donation van, get vampire poked and then eat cookies until you feel okay enough to go back to work.

It’s another thing to toddle back downstairs with your coat and badge, learn to work the 2-way radio, help sign people in and escort them back and forth from the donation van. You’re on display for everyone who walks by the sign in table in the cafe to see. You see who is giving. And wonder if anyone will think “hey, I know it’s last minute but maybe I should give blood”. Chatting with the other volunteers and donors you might find out why someone else is donating. Or that someone saw the signs, walked by the table during their break and thought “it’s my turn”. It’s an awesome thing.

No matter how much I might proclaim to my fellow Company X’ers that I’m in it for the free cookies, juice and bottled water or that I just want the free pound of Dunkin Donuts coffee each donor gets during January 2011 to keep Blacklight out of Dunkee Cup for at least a day or two,  the real reason I give blood? A friend who just had surgery. Treasure family members who died too soon. Because I can. Because it’s the right thing to do.

 

http://www.redcrossblood.org/

http://www.redcrossblood.org/learn-about-blood

http://www.redcrossblood.org/hosting-blood-drive

http://www.redcrossblood.org/volunteer

Maybe They Should Call it Junkie Cup!

For the second time in the last three days I’ve done the nice wifey thing and stopped at the local Dunkee Cup to get Blacklight his breakfast (extra large coffee with 1 skim milk, one sugar) and veggie flatbread sandwich. And I’ve also had the Dunkee Cup staff exclaim “Wait, I know who this order is for!” as they handed over the food. Or as the tiny gal this afternoon said “There’s only one guy who gets this!”

Do they have Dunkee Cup rehab? Or are all coffee drinkers this way? I don’t touch the stuff. My Starbucks habit is Venti Passion Tea Lemonades and since we’ve been at the current apartment my Starbucks has become a for special versu it’s Tuesday I had a mean caller I deserve it thing. I can count the number of times I’ve had Starbucks on one hand since my birthdday (four. three times between December 20-December 27th). Because there must be other people than Blacklight who can fish into their wallet, pull out a Dunkee Cup receipt, do the survey and get a free doughnut with that’s day’s breakfast. Even though the local Red Cross is giving donors a free pound of coffee for a pint of blood I have this feeling that Blacklight is going to ignore the bag in the cupboard and hop in his car to for his fix…

Think Doctor Drew might be able to hook a girl up?

 

Watch Instantly, Waste the Weekend!

Right now I’m on Mr Couch stuffed to the gills with peanut butter toast and Hershey’s Kisses. I should be Doing Stuff like cleaning snow of f the cars, returning library books, going to Aldi’s for groceries and running to Target for the light bulbs I forgot to get last night. Or even finally ironing two work shirts and Blacklight’s favorite pair of jeans. Yes, I’m the type of person who irons jeans. But I’m also the type of person who can create an ironing lasagna (ie LAZY).  Now how is that (sprawled Mr Couch with Mr Laptop and an untouched list of things to do) different from any other Sunday morning? I HAVE NETFLIX!

Ages ago at when Blacklight and I lived in Expensive Acres, we had Netflix. A lovely 3 DVDs at once with about 20 hours of watch instantly for $18 package that evil sibling Tichy said would be the bomb and a half. And oh it was. One of the things I got from Netflix? Rock Hudson and Barbara Carrera in EMBYRO. Oh the things I could say about that movie! And the Preston Sturges binges I went on. Myrna Loy and William Powell are beyond awesome sauce with extra awesome.But things changed and Mr Netflix subscription was one of those things along with an expensive cell phone plan that had to go.Blacklight was lucky I didn’t just up and get rid of his beloved cable television. Because I’ll never cut the internet, that’s like cutting off my left arm!

So what made me break down and get Netflix again when I should be very very very good and not spend money like a Marine on leave? Netflix has gotten so much cooler since the last time I was in it’s thrall. Back in the Dark Ages (about 2006) they didn’t stream to your X-Box, Nintendo Wii or PS3. Heck even if you’re like me (poor) and don’t have a kick-ass console (poor) there’s still awesomeness in the streaming and I know Blacklight has some magic cable that he can connect Mr Laptop to Mr TV for big screen fun.

So I’m filling my queues like a mad thing. Hello there ARCHER: Season One and Lovecraft: Fear of the Unknown. Hells bells I’ll even throw in Inception and Kick-Ass for Blacklight before settling back to watch my HPLHS boyfriends in The Call of Cthulhu…just don’t bother me when a certain cranky and raving for delights big guy wakes up from his sleep…and I don’t mean Blacklight!

SNAP! Give Me Sessy Tiger! GROWWLLL!

I learned something new at Target this morning. Besides the fact there are THREE kinds of some awesome wasn’t available in America for the longest time hairspray. I might have to break down and spend $5 on the mini can to see if it really is the sex. See I was running errands today and one of them was “go to Target and take pictures of stuff for my new beauty/fashion/style blog) Get Pretty Gwen. Yup, I’ve got me another blog! But blogs need content, so I stuffed Tichy’s digital camera (on long term loan) into my purse and toddled off bright and early. Comcast bill paid! On to Target! Because I had things to do!

The lesson I learned? You can load up your cart with hundreds of dollars of beauty products, sit on the floor into front of the nail polish display and take pictures of said products with a Canon digital camera and the staff will not say a thing! Even if you’re dressed like this (see below) and humming Duran Duran’s Girls On Film totally off-key!

Yes, that is me! With NO MAKEUP except a tiny bit of Clinque Black Honey Almost Lipstick!

Another thing I learned? If you look like this (see above) and say to the very pretty, perky, could host a show on HGTV mid 30s blonde Target customer who is staring at you snapping pictures of the Frederic Fekkai range “it’s for my beauty blog” you can make said blonde tiny little brain go into shut down mode and almost drop her Bed Head products….heeheehee

The Boyfriend List

Robert Downey Jr, Dr Orpheus, Ming the Merciless, Ioan Gruffudd, General Melchett, Squadron Commander Lord Flasheart woof woof, Samuel Vimes, Lieutenant The Honourable George Colthurst St. Barleigh MC, Edd Ricketts, Richard Blumenthal, John Singer Sargent,  Patrick Warburton, Phil Hartman, Viggo Mortensen, Brendan Fraser, Crispin Glover, Mike Rowe, Hans Gruber, H.P. Lovecraft, Jasper Fforde, The Monarch, Dave Cole, Josh Bernstein, Anthony Bourdain, Havelock Ventinari, cEvin Key, Nivek Orge, Trent Renzor, Simon LeBon, Julian Sands, Stephen Fry, Hugh Laurie, Vyvyan Basterd, Rick-The People’s Poet, Tony Robinson, Dr Jonathan Crane, Bruce Wayne, Timothy Dalton, Christopher Ecceleston, Chris Barry, Cillian Murphy, Stuart Leslie Goddard, Dolph Lundgren, Simon Pegg, Christian Bale, Dylan Moran, Bernard Black, Christopher Titus, John Steinbeck, Vincent Price, Christopher Lee, Rufus Sewell, Ewan McGregor, Jude Law, Clive Owen, Rufus Sewell, Colin Firth, Alan Rickman, Tony Stark, Steven Rogers, Frank Castle, Zoracks the Younger, Frederic Craymor-Baron Cragg, Stephen Strange, Ronald Colman, Errol Flynn, Basil Rathbone, Lionel Barrymore, John Barrymore, Gary Cooper, Cary Grant, Brad Dourif, Gabriel Macht, Stephen Macht, Keanu Reeves, Chris Klein, Marc Jacobs, Neil Gaiman, Robert Smith, Alex Kapranos, Nicholas II of Russia, George V of the United Kingdom, George VI of the United Kingdom, Prince Philip Duke of Edinburgh, Orson Welles, Peter the Great, Charles II, Edward Rochester , Wallace Beery, Boris Karloff, Nicolai Telsa, Clinton TyreeSamuel-Jean Pazzi…

The Horror at Aldi’s

So it’s Saturday morning and I’ve managed to escape the loving embrace of Mr Couch to GET STUFF DONE! Granted, it’s not as much STUFF DONE as last Saturday but it’s better than nothing. My girls are suppose to come over to GET TIPPY and GOSSIPZ later on. And sad little Blacklight is all “can I haz pizza for dinnerz because mah friendz can’t play wif me?”

Thus I fling on the Captain America t-shirt and cargo shorts, grab my keys and go. Dude, I even have a quarter for the shopping cart rental in my pocket because Imma gonna git all the goodies. This ain’t no I just got paid so Imma gonna stock up on supplies trip. That was last week. This is funtimes!

Get to Aldi’s. Get a nice parking space. Avoid the weird lady wandering around the parking lot selling jewelry like something out of Beauty Shop. Get my shopping cart and start the Aldi’s prowl. Imma  girl on mission so don’t you stop me. I don’t got time to slow down.

Sour cream and onions chips? Get in the cart! Mini pretzel sticks? Ditto. Gourmet cookies? I would but a) got awesome triple choccy & ginger cookies at Stop & Shop the day before and b) have you tried the new gluten free choccy pecan cookies from Stew Leonards’? (side note: totally the SEX and gonna buy once the current cookies are gone so maybe Tuesday after work?

Biding the gourmet cookies a fond farewell I slide up on the dairy/salad/meat section. Now to quote my boyfriend Mayhem from the Allstate hot chick jogging commercial “I gotta keep this <wave arms down body> a 10″. Okay a 10 plus 6, happy?

So come jump in my cart romaine hearts, because I have plans for you baby, oh I have plans. But as I’m tossing the romaine hearts into the cart I realize there is something horrid, awful and dreadful. I am on the verge of swooning in horror like some nameless Lovecraft narrator only to awake in my apartment’s parking lot with no idea how I got home. I must choose my words carefully now…

MICKEY MOUSE AND HIS BISH MINNIE ARE ON MY ROMAINE HEARTS! Whiskey Tango Frosted Poptarts! How in the love of all that is good and holy did my romaine hearts get fouled by DISNEY!?!?!?!?!

There are certain lines I don’t cross. Call me stubborn. The Doritos on sale at Target? Stayed on the shelf because of the Madden Whatever logo. Okay, there was that one time with the hot pink Pentel pens with the pink ribbon logo on the package but I try to stay away from tie-in items when it comes to my personal use.

Here’s the thing. Blacklight and I don’t have tons of money. I have to shop very carefully.  Some of the GETTING STUFF DONE last Saturday? Try wandering around Walmart and Target comparing prices with 25 cent Target composition book in hand. If I want romaine hearts then the price is best at Aldis. So the Disney romaine hearts stayed in the shopping cart.

And that was the horror at Aldi’s. Giving into the Disney machine. Compared to that, the container of grape tomato springing open and spilling all over the floor at the registers while I scampered on hands and knees to pick them up was nothing but a comedy.

Gwenfinition: Boyfriend

True story. Last Saturday. A local wrestling promotion at the Bethany Town Hall.

Blacklight is pumped for an evening of fun. I’m drinking a Diet Pepsi and waiting for the Dave Cole match. All eyes are on the black covered archway which flings open. A tall, lean dirty blond who looks like the long lost spawn of Errol Flynn with tats and black leggings that leave nothing to the imagination struts out.

“Lemme guess. New boyfriend? If you stick a black robe on him he could be Lord Vetinari”

I manage to mumble something about the Errol spawn needing black hair as he struts around the rink. It is only a miracle that I don’t end up wearing the Diet Pepsi.

Let me clarify.  There are boyfriends, the kind that take you out on dates/borrow your money/sleep with your best friend/annoy your family/bitch and moan about on Jezebel and there are BOYFRIENDS. The latter can be capable of doing any of the above, they can be only an arms length away slamming other guys into a wrestling ring in a rural town hall or they can be the guy handing your Venti Passion Tea Lemonade Sweetened. But they’re also unreal somehow, something you just can’t capture even if you spend your life chasing them.

Look at all the grown women in my office who proclaimed themselves “Team Edward” and “Team Jacob”. Boyfriends. The cute guy in the other department. Boyfriend. The powerful patrician who claims to be a humble servant to his city. Boyfriend. The man who lived most fully in strange stories and letters only to be revered years and years after his death. Boyfriend.

Blacklight may not adore the idea of a wrestling boyfriend or seven. But being able to share his love of wrestling with me? Priceless. And the funny thing? My two favorite wrestling boyfriends. Tall, lanky, bearded, mussed dark hair just like the goofy guy in the Skinny Puppy t-shirt sitting right next to me…

BAM! SLAM! SMASH! OUCH!

Today I’m shuffling around in pain because my left leg has decided that “Oh hai i givez u leg kramps k?” But a little leg cramp action doesn’t seem that much after last night. I’m fine but those fine guys and gals of Wrestle Jam 6!? They might need the Advil, ice pack or a heating pad.

Friday night I must have lost my damn mind because when Blacklight asked if I wanted to go to a wrestling show with him right after his dad’s birthday party I said yes. There may have been phantasies, yeah, PHANTASIES (the PH makes it ultra powerful) of chocolate bars in my head.

Switch to last night. I have a 6 pack of classic Hershey bars in the trunk of Blacklight’s car. There’s a Vitamin Water lemonade in arm’s reach. And we’re pulling into the The Elks Lodge in Hamden. Find parking space then wait and wait and wait for the doors to open while Blacklight talks to some of the other wrestling fans and keeps a lookout for something called a Lukas Sharp.

Ohhh, you thought, hey Gwendy and Blacklight live in CT and didn’t to WWE. Nope, Blacklight loves himself the LOCAL wrestling scene. Thus the Elks Lodge vs whatever took the place of the Hartford Civic Center. Doors finally open, we get our tickets and then Blacklight was finding just the right seat, apparently front row right near a corner means you see all kinds of action. The best thing I noticed, the concession stand to my right had Italian ice and fried dough.

Now this was the lineup last night

Super Smash Bros. d. The Logan Bros.

The Super Smash Bros dress up like Bizarro universe video game characters called Uno and Dos. The Logan Bros are two dirty blonde Boston boys wearing very distracting black and turquoise short shorts and no shirts. They also have tattoos and are kinda hot in a Boston working class boy way. But those short shorts are way distracting. The Super Smash Bros win.

Amber d. Liz Savage and Barbie

Barbie is blondish and tiny. Liz Savage is taller, brunette and has large Marilyn Monroe tattoo on her right thigh. Amber is a “face” (good guy) with a large rack. Blacklight: “Real?” Me: (as Amber is on her back being pummeled) “Real ones don’t stand up like that!”. Amber wins. And during the intermission signing time gets swamped with male fans.

Bobby Ocean d. Lukas Sharp

Lukas Sharp is the wrestler Blacklight kept looking for. Apparently someone sent Mr Sharp a little FB message that I was going to lose my wrestling virginity at Wrestle Jam 6! Lukas Sharp is a skinny little guy who reminds me of that Tyler boy from TEEN MOM. Only his gag is a being a bigger d-bag than John Cena. Bobby Ocean is ripped. Lukas goofs off. Blacklight shouts pro Lukas encouragement while the little kids to our left scream “YOU SUCK”. Bobby Ocean wins.

Brian Fury d. Scott Reed

Can you say man panties with your name on the butt? According to the Internetz Brian Fury is a straight edge superstar with a John Cena Sr (yup D-Bag’s dad!). Scott Reed looks like cEvin Key and Jeff Hardy had a baby complete with you just want to grab it ponytail right on the top of his head. Scott Reed also wears blinding white satin man panties. He’s also quite ripped. Brian Fury wins.

Mikey Chase d. Joey Bricco, Nocturne and Chris Battle

If certain people get pinned or submit or something that sounded rather R-rated in my head they lose belts or can’t wrestle in CT or get feed to the Kraken. Okay I made up the Kraken bit. Mikey Chase is a short stocky guy who looks like one of Quality team guys at Company X. Chris Battle is bigger, beefier and built like a John Wayne slab of meat. I can’t remember what Joey Bricco looks like. And Nocturne looks like Ogre dressed up as Freddy Krueger. All four guys go after each other in the ring. Three things keep running through my mind during the match. 1) Nocturne is so cute 2) Nocturne’s trophy which is stashed right near the corner of the ring we’re sitting at is going to fall 3) Mikey Chase’s needs to rethink his costume because even though it’s a unitard there is WAY TOO MUCH DOWN THERE VIEW. Nocturne’s trophy goes smash. Mikey Chase’s jingle and the bits win.

Dan Barry d. Benny Martinez

I remember very little about this match. Chalk it up to PTSD from Mikey Chase’s outfit. What I do remember. Dan Barry wears a black outfit with lime green trim. I think he has DAN written on the tape around each hand. Benny Martinez wears purple man panties with gold sides like a bathing suit from the 90s. Something must not be fitting correctly in DOWN THERE LAND because I lost count at Adjustment #15. So any surprise I can’t remember who wins this one?

Frankie Arion d. Eddie Kingston

Blacklight says Franke Arion is tiny but like Wolvervine from the X-Men. I’ m honestly two inches taller then him. Frankie’s  not hairy but ripped. He’s also the biggest name on the local wrestling circuit.Eddie Kingston is huge and reminds me of the comedian Sinbad. Eddie Kingston stomps around, yells at the crowd and makes the little kids to our left bursting into massive “YOU SUCKS”. Frankie takes some knocks but wins the match.

Vin The Chin & Bulldog Blanski d. Mosh Pit Heroes

When we took our seats I saw people wearing t-shirts that said VIN  THE CHIN. Apparently a VIN THE CHIN is a huge wrestler who resembles The Kurgan. Bulldog Blanksi looks like he should be knocking back beers with my uncles. The Mosh Pit Heroes look like the guys who hang outside Phoenix Records and Game Stop. One of them is pale and wearing a unitard that could have come out of Cher’s closet. The other one looks like Ogre got a little too gel happy in black mesh shirt. Guess who wins? Vin the Chin and Bulldog Blanksi.

Mike Quackenbush / Fire Ant / Green Ant d. Claudio Castagnoli / Icarus / Dave Cole

Mike Quackenbush is the owner of a wrestling promotion called CHIKARA. He also trained most of the guys in this match. Fire Ant and Green Ant are tall, ultra skinny guys in full head masks. I have no idea how they can be strong enough to wrestle. Icarus is small and has a rather painful looking whole back Icarus tattoo. Dave Cole is Gwendy cute (tall, dark hair, beard, lanky, kind of looks like a buffer Blacklight), Claudio Castagnoli wears yellow man panties and looks like he should be on TNA or WWE. There is so much going on in the ring that I can’t properly pay attention. Wrestlers land at our feet, wrestlers pop in and out of the ring. Mike Quackenbush wins. And Blacklight is all “Hey, lets to to the CHIKARA event in October!”

Let’s see what happens!